27 April 2006

The Horrendous Soccer Story

it happened sometime in my st john's days. i was never any good in soccer, i'm sure you all know, but you just didn't know how bad.

as i was saying, i never was any good at this game, popular as it may be. so i was usually designated the keeper position.

that day we had little plastic cones demarcating the goal. the one i was guarding was about 3 metres wide.

the ball came rolling slowly towards me, so being the show off that i am, i ran towards it, hoping to punt it hard deep into opposition territory.

i put force into the kick, and a split second later, the impossible happened. there was not contact with the ball. my foot swung stupidly into the air ahead of me, but without even touching the ball.

and it was rolling away from me, and into the goal, which i had left a few seconds earlier to deliver that running kick to the ball.

and it did go in!

my friends were horrified! but they couldn't stop laughing. haha, and neither could i.

22 January 2006

My Stint At Lecadia Home for the Elderly

Lecadia Home for the Elderly is located on the third floor of the Leela Ratos clinic along jalan pudu in Kuala Lumpur. it is managed (i think) by an Anthuan Ratos, my uncle by virtue of marriage to my aunt, who in turn is my aunt by virtue of being born after my dad.

i get there by 9 every monday and wednesday and either fridays or saturdays (i'll explain why) and leave by 5 in the evening. the PUTRA and STAR lrt systems cost me rm7.40 (daylight robbery) every day i got there. lunch break is at 12 and lasts till 2.

the schedule:

9am-10.45am:
take blood pressure (it's automated now, no need for the doctor/nurse to pump and pump and listen for the pulses), change the diapers for the elderly patients who have soiled them.i then wheel them out to the common areas because lunch there is served at 11.30.

11.30am:
i've assumed the duty to feed a mild stroke patient who's well into her 70s and has lost the ability to communicate and unfortunately, her mind as well. i think i should not detail out names. not ethical, i think. patient confidentiality larh. haha...

then i have my own lunch, which, by the time i get back, all the patients are already taking their afternoon naps, and so i just slack around until i get the call to help out with something, like change diapers, do some tube feeding, there was once i helped carry a bed. so anyway...i start wheeling them out once again, 'coz...

3pm: tea, again, i feed the same patient, and after that, they just hang around and so do i till i leave the place at 5.

---------------------------------------more to come another day!!-----------------------------------

22 December 2005

Ghost

While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting oe on the tour.

to reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.

"and how long have you worked here?" asked the woman.

"three hundred years."

trefor jones, in december'05 reader's digest.

04 November 2005

Trivia!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body that it could squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes long. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach can live up to nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Warning: Do not try this at home........ maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the......?!")

The flea can jump up to 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the length of a entire football field. (30 minutes....lucky pig.... Can you imagine 30 minute orgasm??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond or the sea?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies can taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmm........ won't go there.)

Right-handed people live, on an average, live nine years longer than left-handed people. (Glad to be right handed.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig???)


HERE'S MORE CRAZY FACTS !!!!! (REMEMBER, THIS IS ALL TRUE!!!)

^The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.

^Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module landed on the moon.

^Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.

^Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.

^If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.

^Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "e."

^There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.

^Singapore has only one train station.

^The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.

^The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.

^It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

^Every year, the Moon moves a further 3.82cm from the Earth.

^Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.^There are more than 1,00 chemicals in a cup of coffee.

^Blue and white are the most common school colors.

^On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.

^The tip of a 2cm long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph

^There is about 200 times more gold in the worlds oceans, than has been mined in our entire history.

^Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.

^Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.

^The cockroach has a high resistance to radiation and is the creature most likely to survive a nuclear war.

^Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.

22 October 2005

Vats Ze Vay (uh-huh, uh-huh) Ve Lyk It

Replacing the English Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

(from dad)

20 October 2005

The Blondes or the Aussies. Which are Dumber?

True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, (blogger's note: not quite sure if it's really this guy...) a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."



Curtains

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room,they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows!"

19 October 2005

The List

ah, that time of that year is here again, and well, just wanna list a few of the funk-a-delic stuff that are topping my wish list! (it's all affordable, not like my rubbish list on deborah's notebook. haha, but there's actually no need to get anything at all)

1.) The Sandman vol. 5 'A Game of You' by Neil Gaiman.
yeah man, this comic rocks my socks! it's published by Vertigo, and it typically has a black cover and costs about S$20-S$30, depending on the thickness. the cheapest place to get it will probably be at Comics Mart at Cine downtown at Orchard Road. they may not stock it though. the next best place will probably be Borders at Taka.

2.) The Sandman vol. 6 'Fables and Reflections' by Neil Gaiman.
refer to the above, but if there's the remotest-est possibility that there's already someone getting vol.5, then there'll be this one too. (there's up to volume 11, if you're curious).

3.) 'Singles' by Suede.
this CD is damn funky man! marketted by Sony Music. i'm listening to it now, (it's my Lucas' and so i've gotta return it to him one day, right?) anyway, there's not exciting new bands around nowadays, so if you wanna look for good music, try the older bands, like Suede, REM, and RHCP.

4.) 'Greatest Hits' by REM
yeah. i'm really really dying for new music. gah. actually if there a way to get some solid muzak. and what better way to get it then listening to these legendary bands?

5.) Cash
heh, don't we all want this?

hehe...nevermind guys, (if there's anyone actually reading this...) you can just ignore this totally. haha. take care, and good luck for your A's and whatever k?